I should have given you a reason to stay. There's a lack of color here.

Its tough to explain, but, have you ever had someone make you feel like your every move and thought it done with the utmost of selfishness ? Lately, it's how he's been making me feel. Like everything i do, think, conjure, presume, eat, drink, sleep, move, is done out of my own selfishness. Take last night for example. It was his turn to drink, ok cool. So he starts to get deeper and deeper into his drunkenness, it's ok. I'm use to it and at least this time the fire kept going so that way i'll be warm. As the night begins to wane down, our friend puts on the most beautiful song i've heard. It was mind blowing for the time, place, people, and atmosphere that we were surrounded by. When the song was done he kisses me and gives me that drunken smile and tells me he loves me. Sure. I love you too.. right. When we get into my car and get headed home he tells me that all that song could do was make him think about how much he loved me (aww) and he just wanted to make love. It was sweeter when he said it, scout's honor. So we get home i get my jammies on ready to go to bed, when he asks me, are you just going to go strait to bed or do you want to cuddle? I decided there's nothing wrong with cuddling :) So as i'm laying down, he starts doing those things that usually lead up to what the situation would lead to next. But everything slid down hill, it just. Needless to say he wanted me to do something i wasn't up for because i wanted it to involve the both of us, not just him have a release of pleasure then him falling asleep. Instead he got me warmed up and ready to go and fell asleep. "I'm sorry" "right" what does that i'm sorry really mean? Nothing. I've always asked you not to do that. It just messes with my head and makes me feel ugly and unwanted. It fucks me up emotionally. I don't know how hard that is to explain but apparently you don't care. Or you don't have the same amount of decency that i do. It isn't like i intentionally get you turned on just to say no. I don't tease you on purpose. Unless you've done it to me all weekend >:( 

I just didn't need this right now. Being manic depressive is hard enough, but having to get shit from the person that actually makes you smile from day to day is even more of a struggle. You are suppose to help me be happy, not rip me limp from limp emotionally.

This may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you, but to me it is. A constant struggle of acceptance from yourself and others is hard. and sometimes impossible to achieve. TO bad i can't even tell him these things. I know i should & i know i can, but something on the inside of me just doesn't want to. Instead i'm being closed off and cold. Its part of who i am. I recognize what i'm doing and I try to change it but its hard. When i go to say something you've already left or gone to do something else. I'm my own worst enemy. 

The worst part, i've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How much i miss him and some of the things he use to say to me. :) Even though i know he doesn't think about me at all. He, i don't know what else to say. I think about him in a song, i think about him when i look at the sky, i think about him when it rains. I didn't think this day would come when i'd reminisce on someone that really didn't care that much about me. Maybe he did and I just lied to myself saying he didn't. Maybe i was being really selfish. Maybe I am just a horrible girlfriend. Maybe my worst fears have come true. I really am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, the one woman who is absolutely unloveable. 

Hard to believe that i'm all alone

I'm listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the bridge" (Acoustic) There's something about listening to a song acousticly, just a guitar and the person's voice & feelings instilled in the song that they've created. It gets me everytime. Especially, since the song was written because the lead singer's best friend over dosed. It's a calming effect really. Sometimes putting somber music on can really put things into perspective. It actually made me rethink all the times i've tried to commit suicide. The other thing that really brought these thoughts into perspective was an indie movie that I watched last night called Wristcutters.

The movie was basically about where people go when they commit suicide. Just watch the movie. Its totally worth it. & If you have comcast its free on demand under free movies. Look under the m-z you'll find it. It made me never want to commit suicide or think about it again. But then again, i am in my right set of mind for once. *Whew* But any who. Things are looking up. Valentine's day is coming up soon. It should be fun considering i'm with someone who actually wants to enjoy it with me :)

Tata for now.

My Christmas... was ok at best.

My family's Christmas was allright. Not much expected given the circumstances of everyone financially. But I am excited at the fact that I get to have my mom's car when she finds a new one that she likes :D. Then the boyfriend's house. His sister got me an awesome shirt, and his mom and dad got me a psuedo-gag gift. It was fun. Since October I had been anticipating giving him his gift. i KNEW he was going to love it. Why? Because ever since i've met him he has been talking about wanting to get a mandolin. So, that's what i got him. Something that he wanted. Simple right? I thought it was too, turns out he likes it. Well not so much like as LOVE it :) Then i went to open my gift.... I learned a valuable lesson. Don't overestimate what someone is EVER going to get you because they are just going to let you down. Yea.. let me down. I had been wanting a digital camera ever since my took a fat dump in october :( A CAMERA. that's ALL i wanted! that's it! what did i get? Did i receive something that would mean the world to me? Or show that he'd been paying attention to all the stuff that i actually like and talk about ? 

Sadly, disappointment runs my life. 

I got a blanket. 

A Fucking Blanket.

He maybe spent 3 minutes on thinking about what to get me max.

He found it in Cabela's and that's how he decided i would like it.

"well, its pink!"

yea... pink.

its not pink btw, it's PRUNE. 

I hate purples.

Almost despise.

But i have to look at the upside of all of this. At least he didn't do what he did for my birthday. What did he do for my birthday you ask?

Absolutely Nothing.

I got a hug and a happy birthday. 

guess i see where i rank.

I'm good enough for a blanket.

"i didn't think that the camera would mean anything to you..."

"its how i keep memories around. since my camera broke i can't keep the memories that i'm making"

"oh..."

"yea."

don't think i'm being ungrateful because i'm not. I was just very disappointed. Nothing for my birthday, a shitty christmas gift, i'm just getting depressed. I at least thought that i would mean more to him. I guess its all i'm worth. "i'm really bad at buying gifts..." No, you just don't pay attention to what people say or want. You don't pay attention when i speak. Period. Its ok. I guess. I dunno. We'll see how everything goes.

ugh.

i need to get over the flu that i currently have. I feel like crap and its really effecting my mood.