Its tough to explain, but, have you ever had someone make you feel like your every move and thought it done with the utmost of selfishness ? Lately, it's how he's been making me feel. Like everything i do, think, conjure, presume, eat, drink, sleep, move, is done out of my own selfishness. Take last night for example. It was his turn to drink, ok cool. So he starts to get deeper and deeper into his drunkenness, it's ok. I'm use to it and at least this time the fire kept going so that way i'll be warm. As the night begins to wane down, our friend puts on the most beautiful song i've heard. It was mind blowing for the time, place, people, and atmosphere that we were surrounded by. When the song was done he kisses me and gives me that drunken smile and tells me he loves me. Sure. I love you too.. right. When we get into my car and get headed home he tells me that all that song could do was make him think about how much he loved me (aww) and he just wanted to make love. It was sweeter when he said it, scout's honor. So we get home i get my jammies on ready to go to bed, when he asks me, are you just going to go strait to bed or do you want to cuddle? I decided there's nothing wrong with cuddling :) So as i'm laying down, he starts doing those things that usually lead up to what the situation would lead to next. But everything slid down hill, it just. Needless to say he wanted me to do something i wasn't up for because i wanted it to involve the both of us, not just him have a release of pleasure then him falling asleep. Instead he got me warmed up and ready to go and fell asleep. "I'm sorry" "right" what does that i'm sorry really mean? Nothing. I've always asked you not to do that. It just messes with my head and makes me feel ugly and unwanted. It fucks me up emotionally. I don't know how hard that is to explain but apparently you don't care. Or you don't have the same amount of decency that i do. It isn't like i intentionally get you turned on just to say no. I don't tease you on purpose. Unless you've done it to me all weekend >:(
I just didn't need this right now. Being manic depressive is hard enough, but having to get shit from the person that actually makes you smile from day to day is even more of a struggle. You are suppose to help me be happy, not rip me limp from limp emotionally.
This may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you, but to me it is. A constant struggle of acceptance from yourself and others is hard. and sometimes impossible to achieve. TO bad i can't even tell him these things. I know i should & i know i can, but something on the inside of me just doesn't want to. Instead i'm being closed off and cold. Its part of who i am. I recognize what i'm doing and I try to change it but its hard. When i go to say something you've already left or gone to do something else. I'm my own worst enemy.
The worst part, i've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How much i miss him and some of the things he use to say to me. :) Even though i know he doesn't think about me at all. He, i don't know what else to say. I think about him in a song, i think about him when i look at the sky, i think about him when it rains. I didn't think this day would come when i'd reminisce on someone that really didn't care that much about me. Maybe he did and I just lied to myself saying he didn't. Maybe i was being really selfish. Maybe I am just a horrible girlfriend. Maybe my worst fears have come true. I really am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, the one woman who is absolutely unloveable.
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