UGH

I don't know whats going on with me lately. I can't tell if its the holidays that are turning me into a stone cold bee-otch or if its just me... I can't stand people. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to hear their lame ass excuses, or stories, or examples. I just...want to be left the fuck alone. I want to be sitting in a cabin looking out at the snow while enjoying a nice merlot next to a wood burning fireplace contemplating everything that has been happening in mylife. Even contemplating what i want to do with my future. I'm sick of being stuck. I want to be free, as free as a bird to fly north, south, east, even farther west.. I just need something. A release, from everyone, from no one, from this weird sense of reality.

Yes, i realize i'm the only person that can make ME happy, but without knowing how, or being stuck witha family that drives me to insanity it makes it extremely difficult to be "happy". Or to find the happiness i once found in people, food, places, even the books i read to comfort myself. I can't even bring myself to do any of them. I can only focus on the negative aspects of mylife. The things that are lacking or seemingly lacking, ugh, why can't anything ever be enough for me?

It seems like i put myself on this pedestal that i have to overcome everything witht he utmost of grace and class, never show anyone my weak sides. Or let alone how crazy i really am. Just like with my family, they have no idea the ideas or thoughts that go thru my head on a daily basis, my sucide attempts, my detest for myself, all the ideas that have driven me insane. They don't even know about my mental illness, why you ask? Easy answer, they don't believe in mental illness's they think that people use them as an excuse to not do something, or get out of doing something. "It's just an excuse Erica" yea.. that's it, an excuse to kill myself? an excuse to loathe who i am for no reason other my own brain hating me? an excuse to feel like shit constantly? an excuse to never be happy? yea,, that's a great excuse mom..

Lord, Help me. :'(


i hate/love rainy days.
They express my feelings inside, but they just prove that i'm right to be sad & not smile :\



UGH.

I've been pondering...

Between the two of us there had been discussions of names for children. (Gross i know) He made a suggestion, he said that he would allow for me to name the boy Amadeus if he was able to name the girl Alice. I hate, despise, loathe, and destest the name Alice (sorry if thats your name or if you have someone that your close to named Alice). I don't know what it is, i've just never liked the name. Everyone says "oh that reminds me of Alice in wonderland." What does it remind me of you ask? "Easy," this horrible name reminds me of " a chain smoking 50-something year old waittress who gambles away all of her money at the end of the shift, who then goes home to a house full of cats that she can barely afford to feed." [Deep Breath] This may seem nuts to you but that is what Alice reminds me of. So i'm thinking about creating a loop hole Benjamin Amadeus technically his name wouldn't be Amadeus so i defeat the ugly and brutish name that is alice. :)


Score:
Me: 1 Him: O

heh heh heh.
sucker.
he has no idea who he's dealing with ;]

Hopelessness with a dash of dispair.

These mood swings that i've been experiencing more and more as of late are becoming ever tiring. I don't like being sad, and enveloped in my ever growing mental feeling of hopelessness and pessimism. I'm starting to loose hope that i'm winning the battle over what I deem a monster. The monster tends to eat my sanity every once and a while. Unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that i'm losing the battle ever so miserbly. I want to overcome what i have. I don't want to end up old and alone because my problems are caused by a mental disease that i'm not seeking help for. I don't want meds, but i don't want to pour my soul out to a complete stranger. That's why i have friends right? So, they can help me thru all of this ? i dunno... maybe i'm starting loose it worse than i thought...

help.

Finals are here.

I am so not excited for today. I have a spanish test i haven't studied for :\ and a final scene that hasn't been rehearsed because my partner is a flake... Goodie. But none the less i have to keep my thoughts high, so that way i can imagine the A i'm going to get on both of them. Reason being that staying positive is way better than being negative. After i finish this short blog i'm hopping in the shower.

I woke up depressed and numb. Again. I'm really sick of being numb and lacking emotions. It makes me feel very unhuman, especially when the only feelings i can feel once i get them back are pain, depression, anger, and saddness. :( stupid brain. But its about that time i get back on meds. buh. i'm not looking forward to it...

Well, wish me luck!

Finals here i come... ugh.

I've come to a conclusion.

My point with this entire blog is to write, and write, and write about my struggles with coping being bi-polar without any vices. Before this year, i had been self medicating with many harmful and stupid decisions that i belived would cure me of all the pain and saddness and mania that i felt. This last Friday, December 12, 2008 i was apparently being very dillusional in my thinking. I was absolutely convinced that the friends i surround myself actually hate me. That they would never want to be around me or speak to me, but the only reason they do is because they are forced to by some other being. Almost as if they were stuck in a bad production that they couldn't break away from. Such as, if you leave this i'm going to put a bullet in your brain. & For their own saftey they choose to be stuck hanging around me. (Like i said, dillusional). I then preceeded to cut into my leg to make sure that i wasn't in either

A. a bad dream
B. a fake place
C. that i wasn't dead.

Turns out i wasn't dead. Go figure.. Also, turns out it wasn't a dream, when i woke up the next morning and found that i had cut pretty deeply into my leg. bllleehhh. It hurt to walk and i bled on my sheets :\ Good thing i'm a girl or else that would have been hard to explain to my Grandma... Anyways back to the point.

The point being this, I'm doing this entire blog to see if its going to help with my manic episodes or just my over-all being. Or if i go crazy enough i'll be able to publish it into a book and make money to pay for my stay in the crazy house :) just kidding.. or am i?

Anywhoo, last Friday really showed me who honestly cared about my well being. I don't remember who i was texting, but reading back thru my messages i had texted quite a few people. But on in particular had actually texted back and talked to me. It helped me out a lot. She just doesn't realize it, or i don't think she does. :) {thanks, because i know you're reading this :D}

For now, this is going to have to suffice until i can get all of this work sitting on my desk done... until then Adios.