UGH

I don't know whats going on with me lately. I can't tell if its the holidays that are turning me into a stone cold bee-otch or if its just me... I can't stand people. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to hear their lame ass excuses, or stories, or examples. I just...want to be left the fuck alone. I want to be sitting in a cabin looking out at the snow while enjoying a nice merlot next to a wood burning fireplace contemplating everything that has been happening in mylife. Even contemplating what i want to do with my future. I'm sick of being stuck. I want to be free, as free as a bird to fly north, south, east, even farther west.. I just need something. A release, from everyone, from no one, from this weird sense of reality.

Yes, i realize i'm the only person that can make ME happy, but without knowing how, or being stuck witha family that drives me to insanity it makes it extremely difficult to be "happy". Or to find the happiness i once found in people, food, places, even the books i read to comfort myself. I can't even bring myself to do any of them. I can only focus on the negative aspects of mylife. The things that are lacking or seemingly lacking, ugh, why can't anything ever be enough for me?

It seems like i put myself on this pedestal that i have to overcome everything witht he utmost of grace and class, never show anyone my weak sides. Or let alone how crazy i really am. Just like with my family, they have no idea the ideas or thoughts that go thru my head on a daily basis, my sucide attempts, my detest for myself, all the ideas that have driven me insane. They don't even know about my mental illness, why you ask? Easy answer, they don't believe in mental illness's they think that people use them as an excuse to not do something, or get out of doing something. "It's just an excuse Erica" yea.. that's it, an excuse to kill myself? an excuse to loathe who i am for no reason other my own brain hating me? an excuse to feel like shit constantly? an excuse to never be happy? yea,, that's a great excuse mom..

Lord, Help me. :'(


i hate/love rainy days.
They express my feelings inside, but they just prove that i'm right to be sad & not smile :\



UGH.