I've come to a conclusion.

My point with this entire blog is to write, and write, and write about my struggles with coping being bi-polar without any vices. Before this year, i had been self medicating with many harmful and stupid decisions that i belived would cure me of all the pain and saddness and mania that i felt. This last Friday, December 12, 2008 i was apparently being very dillusional in my thinking. I was absolutely convinced that the friends i surround myself actually hate me. That they would never want to be around me or speak to me, but the only reason they do is because they are forced to by some other being. Almost as if they were stuck in a bad production that they couldn't break away from. Such as, if you leave this i'm going to put a bullet in your brain. & For their own saftey they choose to be stuck hanging around me. (Like i said, dillusional). I then preceeded to cut into my leg to make sure that i wasn't in either

A. a bad dream
B. a fake place
C. that i wasn't dead.

Turns out i wasn't dead. Go figure.. Also, turns out it wasn't a dream, when i woke up the next morning and found that i had cut pretty deeply into my leg. bllleehhh. It hurt to walk and i bled on my sheets :\ Good thing i'm a girl or else that would have been hard to explain to my Grandma... Anyways back to the point.

The point being this, I'm doing this entire blog to see if its going to help with my manic episodes or just my over-all being. Or if i go crazy enough i'll be able to publish it into a book and make money to pay for my stay in the crazy house :) just kidding.. or am i?

Anywhoo, last Friday really showed me who honestly cared about my well being. I don't remember who i was texting, but reading back thru my messages i had texted quite a few people. But on in particular had actually texted back and talked to me. It helped me out a lot. She just doesn't realize it, or i don't think she does. :) {thanks, because i know you're reading this :D}

For now, this is going to have to suffice until i can get all of this work sitting on my desk done... until then Adios.