Some things are better left unsaid.

I don't know what to do about myself sometimes. I guess i just have to own up to the mistakes and selfish actions i take. I don't know what else to write. I just feel severly depressed. Quit making me feel so selfish for having human needs asshole. Sorry your so self absorbed in your need to portray a perfect christian lifestyle, but you have just as many skeletons in your closet as I do, if not more.

That is all...

I need a fucking bottle of gin & 5 limes please. 

This world can be crazy

yet we are still able to cope with it.

I never thought this whole growing up thing would happen, or let alone how fast it would sneak up on me. The ideas of marriage being thrown out, the realization that this could actually happen. The fact that i'm actually stoked at the idea of getting married to someone i know will love me for the rest of my life and i'll do the same. The fact i'm looking up rings and such. The point that i'm actually getting ready to let my family know how much he means to me. I'm not going to tell him that he wants to marry me & I to him. Mainly because i'm old fashioned in the idea that MEN should ask your family for your hand in marriage. And he hasn't even proposed yet. So, i mean, theres nothing really to celebrate yet. I'm just stoked. I never realized how much all of this means, or how much he meant to me and what it would mean to become MRS. Pederson. :) Just typing that & thinking about it makes me have butterflies ^^

Yesterday i was holding his niece who is a good 9 days old. Shes so precious and such a good baby. ALL SHE DOES IS SLEEP! It was amazing. No crying, no wiggiling, just laying there asleep. And all i could think about would be how great its going to be when i start my family. :)

I guess i can say that i'm finally happy. Or at least the happiest i've ever been in my life. :)

More to come later...

I should have given you a reason to stay. There's a lack of color here.

Its tough to explain, but, have you ever had someone make you feel like your every move and thought it done with the utmost of selfishness ? Lately, it's how he's been making me feel. Like everything i do, think, conjure, presume, eat, drink, sleep, move, is done out of my own selfishness. Take last night for example. It was his turn to drink, ok cool. So he starts to get deeper and deeper into his drunkenness, it's ok. I'm use to it and at least this time the fire kept going so that way i'll be warm. As the night begins to wane down, our friend puts on the most beautiful song i've heard. It was mind blowing for the time, place, people, and atmosphere that we were surrounded by. When the song was done he kisses me and gives me that drunken smile and tells me he loves me. Sure. I love you too.. right. When we get into my car and get headed home he tells me that all that song could do was make him think about how much he loved me (aww) and he just wanted to make love. It was sweeter when he said it, scout's honor. So we get home i get my jammies on ready to go to bed, when he asks me, are you just going to go strait to bed or do you want to cuddle? I decided there's nothing wrong with cuddling :) So as i'm laying down, he starts doing those things that usually lead up to what the situation would lead to next. But everything slid down hill, it just. Needless to say he wanted me to do something i wasn't up for because i wanted it to involve the both of us, not just him have a release of pleasure then him falling asleep. Instead he got me warmed up and ready to go and fell asleep. "I'm sorry" "right" what does that i'm sorry really mean? Nothing. I've always asked you not to do that. It just messes with my head and makes me feel ugly and unwanted. It fucks me up emotionally. I don't know how hard that is to explain but apparently you don't care. Or you don't have the same amount of decency that i do. It isn't like i intentionally get you turned on just to say no. I don't tease you on purpose. Unless you've done it to me all weekend >:( 

I just didn't need this right now. Being manic depressive is hard enough, but having to get shit from the person that actually makes you smile from day to day is even more of a struggle. You are suppose to help me be happy, not rip me limp from limp emotionally.

This may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you, but to me it is. A constant struggle of acceptance from yourself and others is hard. and sometimes impossible to achieve. TO bad i can't even tell him these things. I know i should & i know i can, but something on the inside of me just doesn't want to. Instead i'm being closed off and cold. Its part of who i am. I recognize what i'm doing and I try to change it but its hard. When i go to say something you've already left or gone to do something else. I'm my own worst enemy. 

The worst part, i've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How much i miss him and some of the things he use to say to me. :) Even though i know he doesn't think about me at all. He, i don't know what else to say. I think about him in a song, i think about him when i look at the sky, i think about him when it rains. I didn't think this day would come when i'd reminisce on someone that really didn't care that much about me. Maybe he did and I just lied to myself saying he didn't. Maybe i was being really selfish. Maybe I am just a horrible girlfriend. Maybe my worst fears have come true. I really am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, the one woman who is absolutely unloveable. 

Hard to believe that i'm all alone

I'm listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the bridge" (Acoustic) There's something about listening to a song acousticly, just a guitar and the person's voice & feelings instilled in the song that they've created. It gets me everytime. Especially, since the song was written because the lead singer's best friend over dosed. It's a calming effect really. Sometimes putting somber music on can really put things into perspective. It actually made me rethink all the times i've tried to commit suicide. The other thing that really brought these thoughts into perspective was an indie movie that I watched last night called Wristcutters.

The movie was basically about where people go when they commit suicide. Just watch the movie. Its totally worth it. & If you have comcast its free on demand under free movies. Look under the m-z you'll find it. It made me never want to commit suicide or think about it again. But then again, i am in my right set of mind for once. *Whew* But any who. Things are looking up. Valentine's day is coming up soon. It should be fun considering i'm with someone who actually wants to enjoy it with me :)

Tata for now.

My Christmas... was ok at best.

My family's Christmas was allright. Not much expected given the circumstances of everyone financially. But I am excited at the fact that I get to have my mom's car when she finds a new one that she likes :D. Then the boyfriend's house. His sister got me an awesome shirt, and his mom and dad got me a psuedo-gag gift. It was fun. Since October I had been anticipating giving him his gift. i KNEW he was going to love it. Why? Because ever since i've met him he has been talking about wanting to get a mandolin. So, that's what i got him. Something that he wanted. Simple right? I thought it was too, turns out he likes it. Well not so much like as LOVE it :) Then i went to open my gift.... I learned a valuable lesson. Don't overestimate what someone is EVER going to get you because they are just going to let you down. Yea.. let me down. I had been wanting a digital camera ever since my took a fat dump in october :( A CAMERA. that's ALL i wanted! that's it! what did i get? Did i receive something that would mean the world to me? Or show that he'd been paying attention to all the stuff that i actually like and talk about ? 

Sadly, disappointment runs my life. 

I got a blanket. 

A Fucking Blanket.

He maybe spent 3 minutes on thinking about what to get me max.

He found it in Cabela's and that's how he decided i would like it.

"well, its pink!"

yea... pink.

its not pink btw, it's PRUNE. 

I hate purples.

Almost despise.

But i have to look at the upside of all of this. At least he didn't do what he did for my birthday. What did he do for my birthday you ask?

Absolutely Nothing.

I got a hug and a happy birthday. 

guess i see where i rank.

I'm good enough for a blanket.

"i didn't think that the camera would mean anything to you..."

"its how i keep memories around. since my camera broke i can't keep the memories that i'm making"

"oh..."

"yea."

don't think i'm being ungrateful because i'm not. I was just very disappointed. Nothing for my birthday, a shitty christmas gift, i'm just getting depressed. I at least thought that i would mean more to him. I guess its all i'm worth. "i'm really bad at buying gifts..." No, you just don't pay attention to what people say or want. You don't pay attention when i speak. Period. Its ok. I guess. I dunno. We'll see how everything goes.

ugh.

i need to get over the flu that i currently have. I feel like crap and its really effecting my mood.

UGH

I don't know whats going on with me lately. I can't tell if its the holidays that are turning me into a stone cold bee-otch or if its just me... I can't stand people. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to hear their lame ass excuses, or stories, or examples. I just...want to be left the fuck alone. I want to be sitting in a cabin looking out at the snow while enjoying a nice merlot next to a wood burning fireplace contemplating everything that has been happening in mylife. Even contemplating what i want to do with my future. I'm sick of being stuck. I want to be free, as free as a bird to fly north, south, east, even farther west.. I just need something. A release, from everyone, from no one, from this weird sense of reality.

Yes, i realize i'm the only person that can make ME happy, but without knowing how, or being stuck witha family that drives me to insanity it makes it extremely difficult to be "happy". Or to find the happiness i once found in people, food, places, even the books i read to comfort myself. I can't even bring myself to do any of them. I can only focus on the negative aspects of mylife. The things that are lacking or seemingly lacking, ugh, why can't anything ever be enough for me?

It seems like i put myself on this pedestal that i have to overcome everything witht he utmost of grace and class, never show anyone my weak sides. Or let alone how crazy i really am. Just like with my family, they have no idea the ideas or thoughts that go thru my head on a daily basis, my sucide attempts, my detest for myself, all the ideas that have driven me insane. They don't even know about my mental illness, why you ask? Easy answer, they don't believe in mental illness's they think that people use them as an excuse to not do something, or get out of doing something. "It's just an excuse Erica" yea.. that's it, an excuse to kill myself? an excuse to loathe who i am for no reason other my own brain hating me? an excuse to feel like shit constantly? an excuse to never be happy? yea,, that's a great excuse mom..

Lord, Help me. :'(


i hate/love rainy days.
They express my feelings inside, but they just prove that i'm right to be sad & not smile :\



UGH.

I've been pondering...

Between the two of us there had been discussions of names for children. (Gross i know) He made a suggestion, he said that he would allow for me to name the boy Amadeus if he was able to name the girl Alice. I hate, despise, loathe, and destest the name Alice (sorry if thats your name or if you have someone that your close to named Alice). I don't know what it is, i've just never liked the name. Everyone says "oh that reminds me of Alice in wonderland." What does it remind me of you ask? "Easy," this horrible name reminds me of " a chain smoking 50-something year old waittress who gambles away all of her money at the end of the shift, who then goes home to a house full of cats that she can barely afford to feed." [Deep Breath] This may seem nuts to you but that is what Alice reminds me of. So i'm thinking about creating a loop hole Benjamin Amadeus technically his name wouldn't be Amadeus so i defeat the ugly and brutish name that is alice. :)


Score:
Me: 1 Him: O

heh heh heh.
sucker.
he has no idea who he's dealing with ;]

Hopelessness with a dash of dispair.

These mood swings that i've been experiencing more and more as of late are becoming ever tiring. I don't like being sad, and enveloped in my ever growing mental feeling of hopelessness and pessimism. I'm starting to loose hope that i'm winning the battle over what I deem a monster. The monster tends to eat my sanity every once and a while. Unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that i'm losing the battle ever so miserbly. I want to overcome what i have. I don't want to end up old and alone because my problems are caused by a mental disease that i'm not seeking help for. I don't want meds, but i don't want to pour my soul out to a complete stranger. That's why i have friends right? So, they can help me thru all of this ? i dunno... maybe i'm starting loose it worse than i thought...

help.

Finals are here.

I am so not excited for today. I have a spanish test i haven't studied for :\ and a final scene that hasn't been rehearsed because my partner is a flake... Goodie. But none the less i have to keep my thoughts high, so that way i can imagine the A i'm going to get on both of them. Reason being that staying positive is way better than being negative. After i finish this short blog i'm hopping in the shower.

I woke up depressed and numb. Again. I'm really sick of being numb and lacking emotions. It makes me feel very unhuman, especially when the only feelings i can feel once i get them back are pain, depression, anger, and saddness. :( stupid brain. But its about that time i get back on meds. buh. i'm not looking forward to it...

Well, wish me luck!

Finals here i come... ugh.

I've come to a conclusion.

My point with this entire blog is to write, and write, and write about my struggles with coping being bi-polar without any vices. Before this year, i had been self medicating with many harmful and stupid decisions that i belived would cure me of all the pain and saddness and mania that i felt. This last Friday, December 12, 2008 i was apparently being very dillusional in my thinking. I was absolutely convinced that the friends i surround myself actually hate me. That they would never want to be around me or speak to me, but the only reason they do is because they are forced to by some other being. Almost as if they were stuck in a bad production that they couldn't break away from. Such as, if you leave this i'm going to put a bullet in your brain. & For their own saftey they choose to be stuck hanging around me. (Like i said, dillusional). I then preceeded to cut into my leg to make sure that i wasn't in either

A. a bad dream
B. a fake place
C. that i wasn't dead.

Turns out i wasn't dead. Go figure.. Also, turns out it wasn't a dream, when i woke up the next morning and found that i had cut pretty deeply into my leg. bllleehhh. It hurt to walk and i bled on my sheets :\ Good thing i'm a girl or else that would have been hard to explain to my Grandma... Anyways back to the point.

The point being this, I'm doing this entire blog to see if its going to help with my manic episodes or just my over-all being. Or if i go crazy enough i'll be able to publish it into a book and make money to pay for my stay in the crazy house :) just kidding.. or am i?

Anywhoo, last Friday really showed me who honestly cared about my well being. I don't remember who i was texting, but reading back thru my messages i had texted quite a few people. But on in particular had actually texted back and talked to me. It helped me out a lot. She just doesn't realize it, or i don't think she does. :) {thanks, because i know you're reading this :D}

For now, this is going to have to suffice until i can get all of this work sitting on my desk done... until then Adios.